You Should Have A Blog

We were invited to Sarah's bestfriend's Holy First Communion yesterday, followed by a reception.  Greg is Catholic, but I'm not.  I've only been in a Catholic church twice in my life and both times it was for a wedding ,so I was unclear on the rules.  I asked my friends on Facebook what the proper protocol was.

Michele 

May 15

We've been invited to a Holy First Communion and party. Am I supposed to buy the child something? Card? Isn't eternal life the gift?

 Is that not enough for you Catholics?  Huh?

In Pentecostal church, your first communion signifies that you've accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and you aren't going to spend eternity in hell.................... on fire.  We don't get gifts.  Thankfully, I always get a bunch of really good advice from my friends.

Gary W  If you get a gift with Jesus on it make sure it's Catholic Jesus as opposed to regular Jesus. If he has a glass of wine in his hand, you got the right one.

May 15 at 9:22am via mobile · Unlike · 4

I opted for cash and a card.

Greg was unable to go with us because he was meeting a carpet installer at one of our vacant rental homes, but he told the kids before we left, "You stand when everyone stands, and you sit when everyone sits, and you kneel when everyone kneels, and you sit still, do you understand me?"

When we got to the church, it was packed.  I mean super packed and Sarah couldn't see her friend at all.  We were fortunate to get a seat, but we did find one next to Gregory's best friend and his father.  His father has been hanging out with us a lot lately,  He told me he knows more now about what his kid does at school from my FB page than he's ever known in the four years he's gone to school there. Then he told me, "You're interesting to know, but I could never be married to you."

The service was long and really structured but I thought they did a good job following it.

When the service was over, the girls were adamant about getting through the crowd to see their friend, so they started making their way to the front of the church, while the boys went the opposite direction with their friend. Amanda really wanted to see the fancy dress, but we never get did get through the throng of people. What I didn't realize is that their friend and father were leaving immediately to go to his basketball game, so my boys were actually  left unattended in the outer area of the nave, where the Holy Water and candles were.

Imagine my mortification to walk out of the sanctuary to find Austin and Gregory with their arms submerged in Holy Water up to their armpits, splashing it.

"What are you doing?  Get your hands out of there.", I whisper screamed at them through gritted teeth.

Everyone was glaring at me like I was the worst mother ever in the entire world.  Greg never told them about Holy Water in his Catholic tutorial.  So they both took their arms out and started flinging the water off on the floor.  Could I die right there?  Over the last nine years of parenting, I've searched for the hidden Escape Hatch so many times, you have no idea.   Where is it?

"We didn't know, Mom!  We thought it was a fountain.", Gregory said when we got outside.

When I talked to their friend's father later, he said, "Have you ever thought about blogging?   With everything that happens to you all the time, you should have a blog."

I've Got A Job For You

Third grade is winding down.  We had Moms and Muffins and Teacher appreciation week, so I've been working and living at the school in between.  I have to say that at this stage in the game, I feel like a well oiled machine.  Getting all the functions together is easy now.  I can remember being stressed out of my mind feeling responsible for 400 children and their parents and now It's like, "Meh."

Roll the tables out.  Decorate.  Get food.  Clean it up. Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.

Gregory and the girls recited the Pledge of Allegiance.
 

Then the girls recited a poem, If You Give A Mom A Muffin.

Next year I'll be in charge of Grandparent's Day, Moms and Muffins, and Pizza Lunch.  Pizza lunch is by far our biggest fundraiser and we had a parent go ballistic on us during our last lunch.  We sell pizza for $4 at lunch and anyone can buy it if they choose to.  If not, they can eat their own lunch or school lunch.

This parent called the school 5 times and called our PTA president because she was LIVID that not EVERY CHILD gets pizza lunch.

"It's a fundraiser.", we told her.

"Does every child get pizza?  That's not fair!!!"

"We make $4000 a year selling pizza so that we can give free food to all the children at Moms and Muffins and Dads and Donuts and we give money to teachers for supplies and we give money for field trips.", everyone told her.

That didn't sway her at all.  She was irate.  How could we sell pizza when someone might not be able to buy it?  She's from New Jersey if that explains anything.  You know who you are.

I finally came up with this brilliant idea.

'We're sorry Pizza Lunch makes you upset.  If you can think of a different way to make $4000 to fund all our activities, we are all ears.  In fact, we have an opening for a chairperson of the fundraising committee.  Would you be interested in running it and brainstorming on how to get $4000?"

We've never heard back from her.  

I'm going to start offering positions to every person who complains from now on.  Don't like something?  You are now in charge.

I've got a job for you!!!  

Are You Cheating On DAD?

When I lived in Tucson, Arizona 20 years ago, I ran an insurance agency next to a beauty salon.  Greg lived in Phoenix and for 1.5 years, we commuted back and forth and saw each other once during the week and on weekends.  I made friends with the guy who worked in the salon next door.  We were in our twenties and making our way up the food chain, and Brian was a hoot to hang out with because he's a drama queen and everything is fabulous and when you are with him, you are also fabulous.

We reconnected on Facebook about a year ago and Brian was shocked that Greg and I were still together and that we had four children.

"You used to call children little shits.", he reminded me.

Then all my triplet mom friends jumped in and said, "She still does."

When Brian isn't getting into cat fights with my triplet mom friends on Facebook, he entertains us daily with his musings of our lives compared to his, as a childless, gay man.

Last week, I posted that once you have kids you are never in control of your own life again and Brian said, "I don't know anything about that, how dreadful for you."

So Brian and his sister were coming to Vegas last week, and the plan was for us to hang out all day and do what Brian does best, "Shoppie, Lunchie, Drinkie", which fits nicely in my Ladies Who Lunch theme, and then we were going to go pick the kids up from school, introduce them to Auntie Brian, and Brian was going to teach them to make their own pasta noodles, which is one of his specialties.  Except the kids were all sick all last week.  They had pink eye and hacking coughs and fevers.  It was a nightmare and as his impending visit got closer and closer, I began to think I wouldn't see him at all.

In addition to that, he was following my Food Stamp Challenge on Facebook, which he thought was the dumbest thing ever.  OMG.  Who goes to the Dollar Store?  On purpose?!

The Sunday before he was coming and before the plague set in, we were at Greg's mom and I was telling her all about my plans to hang out with Brian on Friday, then drive to California on Saturday for Fred's memorial, when Amanda overheard my conversation and said, "Mom, you are CHEATING ON DAD?"

And Gregory said, "You are going to lunch WITH A MAN?"

We had to explain to the kids that Brian is gay and I wasn't going to run off with him.

"You sure know a lot of gay people, Mom.", Sarah noted.

Greg has also known Brian for 20 years and Brian said, "Greg tolerates me like the husband tolerates the cat the wife brings from college."

When Friday finally arrived, I sent the kids to school and made my way to the 47th floor of the Palazzo, where Brian and his sister had a 3000 square foot, 2 bedroom, 3 bathroom suite.

Brian greeted me, "The Food Stamp Challenge is OVER, darling."

Oh my goodness, was it EVER!

In addition to having my birthday brunch, Brian made a makeshift salon in the foyer.

Gave me a new haircut!!!

Then he got me a new Jonathan Kon handbag, which he said only skinny girls can carry.

Then as if that wasn't the greatest, we headed over to Nieman Marcus for lunch.

I told him while we were at lunch that I was going to go to hell for sending my kids to school that day and literally five minutes later, my phone rang and it was the school nurse.  Amanda, the only one that hadn't gotten sick, was in the office with a fever.  The nurse is my Facebook friend, so she said, "I'm so sorry to call you, Michele.  I tried to call your husband and your mother-in-law because I know you are brunching."

For once in his entire life, Greg answered his phone and went and got Amanda and got to continue my splendid day.

Suffice it to say, Brian cancelled his Home Visit with the children because What Happens In Vegas, Doesn't Stay In Vegas if you hang out with my children when they are all sick.

But if any of you are needing a makeover and live near Jefferson, Ohio, I encourage you to look Brian up.  Everyone should feel and look fabulous for a day!!!

What a way to end the Food Stamp Challenge!!!!

He Was One Of The Peckers

Homework Helpers

Greg's mom came over for dinner last night and she had absolutely no idea I had new chickens and turkeys because I haven't been blogging.  In fact, she had absolutely no idea about anything and it was disconcerting to me that I had to give her a complete rundown of everything I've been doing so I've got to catch up.

When we were in California on Spring Break, Bob put 14 eggs in the incubator and four hatched and three lived.  One was born with his intestines outside of his body and died immediately.  I'm so glad the kids didn't see that.  Ohmygosh.  Then Bob bought me three turkeys for my birthday last week.  So I've got six little ones in a brooder at my house because we also have our meat chickens still and I don't have anywhere to put the babies at Bob's house.

They live on the back porch in a rubbermaid container during the day and in Greg's garage at night.

As you can imagine, Greg is THRILLED about having barn animals in his sacred domain.

Say Facebook!

The kids named them all and we've been letting them roam around the yard at night.  Everything was going great.  Then when we woke up yesterday, one of the turkeys was dead and before I could grab it out of the brooder and toss it in the garbage can, the kids saw it and OHMYGOSH, it was Austin's turkey and he cried and cried and cried.  He was so upset, I had to tell his teacher what was going on when he got to school with big puffy eyes.

The boys have had pink eye for 10 days now, but that's another blog post.

The only way I could get Austin settled down was to say we'd have a funeral for the turkey after school.

So when Greg's mom came over for dinner last night, Austin asked, "Is Grammy here for the services?"

And Greg's mom was like, "What turkeys?" because I haven't been blogging.




I woke up in a fright this morning in hopes that none of the other two turkeys died last night or we're going to have holes all over the backyard and Greg is REALLY going to freak out.

The Most Important Thing You Will Ever Do In Your Life

This week will be the beginning of the most important thing my children have ever done before.  It has been built up in their minds since the day they started first grade.  It has given Amanda nightmares since second grade because it is SO IMPORTANT.  They will actually have a party tomorrow to kick off the beginning of this VERY, VERY, VERY important week.

They will be taking their very first standardized CRT this week and the vast sum of their accumulated knowledge thus far, will be measured in neat, little bubbled columns, where the results of one single day will impact our school's rating, our principal's career, our teacher's paychecks, our school's future, my property values, and our federal funding.  

I think I choked on my own spit when I got a parent bulletin to attend a CRT Parent Training class a couple weeks ago.  I couldn't imagine what they could possible TRAIN me to do to help my kids bubble in the correct answers, that they haven't taught them in the last four years of academic instruction.  

Insert microchip in arm while sleeping.

As it turns out, I didn't go, but I heard they trained the parents for 30 minutes to feed their children and make sure they go to bed on time.  Would you believe I've got that part covered?

So what are the odds that on the most important week of their lives, I've got all three with head colds?  What's it say about that in the goddamn training manual?    

Oh Em Gee, Are You Okay?

On Day 11 of my food stamp challenge, I went into the school office to volunteer for the PTA Pizza Lunch, and the school nurse approached me and hugged me.

When I walked into the school office today, the nurse said, "Michele? Are you OH-KAY? What is GOING ON? WHY ARE YOU AT THE DOLLAR STORE?"Like ·  · Promote · ShareAnne,  Valerie, Jill  and 5 others like this.Michele  I am cracking up. I wonder if someone will start a collection plate for me by the time I get to the PTA meeting today?
April 11 at 1:26pm · Like · 5Diane  I'll tell ya the dollars stores around here have JUNK! Your dollar stores sound awfully nice.
April 11 at 1:28pm · Like · 1Michele  They have plenty of junk, too. I'm only there for the produce and crappy, plastic stuff from China.
April 11 at 1:29pm · Like · 4Stephanie  And valentines for others. 
April 11 at 1:33pm via mobile · Unlike · 3Michele  I have to tell you guys, we ate the strawberries today at school and they are DELICIOUS.
April 11 at 1:34pm · Like · 1Michele  I'm pissed I didn't buy more now.
April 11 at 1:34pm · Like · 1Michele  Oh, and when I was at Trader's today, the cashier swore to me that wine *actually* counts as a serving of fruit. I was like, "Oh-kie Dokie."
April 11 at 1:36pm · Like · 10Amy  How is everybody not at the Dollar Store if they're selling fruit for $1?! The Dollar Store I used to shop at when I lived in Los Angeles started selling real food and I was there all the time.
April 11 at 1:38pm · Like · 1Michele  http://www.chacha.com/question/does-wine-count-as-a-serving-of-fruitDoes wine count as a serving of fruit? | ChaCha
www.chacha.com
Does wine count as a serving of fruit? ChaCha Answer: Just 3/4 cup of juice (6 ounces), including wine, counts as one serving of a fr...
April 11 at 1:39pm · Like · 3 · Remove PreviewMichele  Look, the internet says so, so it must be true.
April 11 at 1:39pm · Like · 10

By Day 11 of this challenge, everyone assumed that Greg and I had hit Skid row, since I was shopping at the Dollar Store.  People were concerned for me.

Food Stamp Challenge: Day 11, I worked this morning so Greg fed the kids breakfast and I know he gave them cereal from his secret stash. I don't buy cereal and I don't feed my children cereal because the extrusion process of heating grains to high temperatures, then the high pressure used during the processing, kills all the nutrients in the grain - specifically fatty acids and amino acids. Greg doesn't buy into that theory. I'm going to say $2 for breakfast because I have no idea. The kids had PTA pizza at lunch today. If you paid for six pizza days at the beginning of the year, you got one lunch free. So today was free for them and I got pizza for working. I will work for food. I DID bring them strawberries to eat with lunch. I tried my cracked crock pot and made shredded chicken for tacos tonight. Chicken tenders were 1.99 per pound. I dumped salsa, chicken broth, salt, garlic, onion powder, and a little cumin on the chicken and cooked it for 8 hours. I did use organic taco shells from Trader's because I can't bring myself to buy GMO corn on purpose. They are expensive, though. $2.99. So dinner was like $9. My friend April makes her own organic corn tortillas from scratch, so maybe she'll chime in. April, do you do crunchy tacos or just soft? What oil are you frying in?

This was the day people told my I was CRAZY.  I was like, "Which part?" and they said, "All of it."  My friend april did chime in with her recipe for corn tortillas and you can see that right here on her blog.

On Day 12 and 13, we were in Zion, but I brought all our food in the camper.

Best part of having an RV!!!!  We ate camp food while we were there, just in case anyone is worried that my kids never get to eat junk.

Food Stamp Challenge: Days 12 &13: Friday night we ate hot dogs, chips, and Dutch oven cobbler. You know, camp food. My friend Misti brought and made the cobbler which was delish. We brought all our normal food for breakfast and lunch. I did splurge on ice cream at Zion Lodge which was $11. Dinner last night was hamburgers, beans, and mac and cheese. I'm overbudget for the last two days by 4 dollars. Not bad for vacationing.

On Day 14, we just had omelets for dinner because when we got home from camping, I had to unload and clean the whole RV.

Food Stamp Challenge: Day 14. The kids ate omelets for dinner last night. It cost like $3. I was busy after our camping trip. See picture if you need an explanation.

Food Stamp Challenge: Day 15. I can't believe I've made it halfway through this thing. I just added all my receipts up and I've spent $257.75 this month. I think I'm going to make it under the $594. Last night's dinner was Honey Garlic Chicken. This is one of my children's favorite meals. It's by no means good for you since it's fried in oil, but it does taste EXACTLY like the chicken you get in Chinese restaurants and once you learn the batter, you can make General Tso, sweet and sour, or orange chicken. Total cost: $8.50

This is the link for the Honey Garlic Chicken.


So I made it halfway through the month well under budget, even including eating out and going camping.  I did find it interesting people's reaction to me being on a budget or finding the cheapest food available.  Now that I'm doing this thing, it makes me wonder why anyone would want to pay more for food, regardless of whether you get food stamps or pay for it yourself?  I've saved so much money over what I would normally spend that I'm giddy.

To Be Continued...............